I have long loved Coca-Cola. If I am feeling particularly tired and depleted, craving comfort and needing help - I buy a bottle of Coca-Cola. For me there is no sound so satisfying as that crisp pop and hiss of a can being opened on a hot summer’s day. I am the product of 80’s and 90’s marketing - you just can’t beat the real thing.
There’s just so much promise of refreshment and satisfaction in a Coca-Cola. It just feels like rest to me when I think about Coca-Cola. Even now as I type I can feel hope. I find it hard to resist. I choose Coca-Cola flavoured candies and tic tacs, and of course my slurpee choice is Coca-Cola with a splash of Lime Crush - trust me, try it.
When I had my first adult job, teaching high school, I realized I could drink Coca-Cola as much as I wanted. I used to drink it in the morning on the way to school. I didn’t love teaching but the promise of a Cola in the morning helped me survive many tough years. When I was exhausted and floundering as a young Mom, I started drinking Coca-Cola again. It was my go to for a little caffeinated pick me up. Eventually, I realized I had to stop drinking it. It was becoming a daily coping mechanism that wasn’t going to serve me well in the long run. I was getting older and my blood sugar wasn’t benefitting from the steady flow. I managed to stop drinking it.
And then, yesterday, I bought a Coca-Cola.
You see, I am “end-of-the-school-year” tired. It’s a special kind of tired. It’s the kind of tired where life feels like you are running down a hill, much faster than anyone is ever supposed to run, propelled forward not by your strength but by the momentum of an event schedule and all you can do is keep one foot ahead of the other or you will crash and burn.
If I am reaching for a Coca-Cola, I know I need to check in with myself because it is very likely that I am really looking for something greater than a Cola. I reach for it out of an inner impulse. St. Ignatius Loyola called it the affect - my/your feelings, desires, and impulses. When my affect is disordered and un-sifted, I lean into my Coca-Cola cravings, rather than leaning into God.
I know there are seasons that are harder and I have grace for myself - which is why I bought the Coca-Cola. But, as I drank it, I took some time to sort through my inner world in an Igantian-esque way.
St. Ignatius Loyola was a 16th century mystic who founded the Jesuit order. Each monastic vein has a specific charism - a gift or a grace through which they pursue knowing Christ and becoming more like him. St. Ignatius and the Jesuit charisms are contemplation, prayer, and the discerning of spirits. He devoted his life to knowing Jesus through his inner world and invites us to do the same. One of the ways he created to do this is through the daily examen. I wanted to write a whole post about the beauty of the examen but I have not practiced it regularly nor long enough to be able to make a comment. However, I have spent the last 15 years or so learning to sift my emotions. So let’s talk about that, instead.
While Ignatius’ approach is for every Christian, it is especially helpful for those of us that are feelers - like me. The denomination of my youth prioritized pursuing God with intellect and warned about being “too emotional” in our faith. And, to be fair, I can understand this approach when dealing with teenagers who are emotional rollercoasters. But I’m not 16 anymore and I assume you aren’t either.
The fruit of this teaching was that I believed that being a deep feeling person was wrong. I thought it was weak. I was teased for being too sensitive or hot headed and always needing extra special care. I took on the idea that I needed to separate my emotions from my faith and became convinced my feelings were unreliable. I can remember saying to a friend, “I just wish I didn’t feel anything! It would be so much easier!”
Finding Ignatius’ writing when I was 25 opened a pathway of following God in which my emotions were not a weakness but a strength. My affect is a way that God can make me aware of his presence or the lack of it. Ignatius would be the first to say that our affect needs to come under the lordship of Jesus and requires his resurrecting renewal. But understanding our emotions, in a way of negation, allows us to discern and understand God’s leading in our inner world.
When I say “negation” I mean that part of understanding our emotions is knowing what ISN’T the presence of God. God never moves in fear, guilt, or shame. He leads in conviction but not in the others. If you feel afraid, guilty, and shameful you can be certain that is not the voice of Jesus in your mind and soul. Then these difficult feelings become something we recognize and invite God into to bring his presence and understanding.
For Ignatius, our difficult and uncomfortable feelings can lead us to God just as much as joy and peace and love. God leads us in our affect as well as in our thoughts. He has built us as integrated humans where both our mind and our hearts, our thoughts and our feelings are places he can be glorified, places where his Kingdom is coming and where it can flourish.
As I drank my Coca-Cola, I spent sometime in prayer and examination, asking God to sift and bring understanding to me about what was happening in my inner world that was making me reach for Coca-Cola. God brought up that I feel a lot more peace and joy when I am weeding my garden than when I am scrolling my phone. He showed me some moments that triggered grief and displayed unforgiveness that I have been holding in unhealed places. There were times I have been trying to please others rather than him, over the past few months. He showed me the good and tender connection formed with my kids when I take time to read aloud to them and how his presence is with us when I gather and nurture my kids. And how some of my parenting recently has been motivated by fear rather than love. He reminded me that I do not need to be afraid, he loves me and is for me and will help when I ask. Never was it condemning, but always an invitation into new life in him.
As these things come to the surface, I can see them for what they are and invite God into them to heal, mend, and make new. I don’t have to ignore them anymore. God uses my emotions as a way to sift me and as a result I become lighter. Of course, I still feel tired, just not as weary.
If you are rolling into the end of the year feeling tired or weary, I want to invite you to sift and sort your emotions in the loving presence of God. I have no idea what he will bring up or where he will lead you but I can tell you one thing - you will feel lighter. The longer I have practiced attending to my affect in the gracious gaze of Jesus, the more time I want to spend there, the more I want to know him. And as June brings us to a close, I can think of no better thing to share with you than this.
Some things you might like:
Janell Downing’s piece for Mockingbird is a worthwhile read. Check it out here
Season 3 of the Brother’s Zahl Podcast continues to be such a worthwhile listen. Not just because of the honest and grace filled content but because there is also such excellent music.
If you wanted to take a look at the daily examen here it is - straight from the Jesuits website:
Place yourself in God’s presence. Give thanks for God’s great love for you.
Pray for the grace to understand how God is acting in your life.
Review your day - recall specific moments and your feelings at the time.
Review your day — recall specific moments and your feelings at the time.
Reflect on what you did, said, or thought in those instances. Were you drawing closer to God, or further away?
Look toward tomorrow — think of how you might collaborate more effectively with God’s plan. Be specific, and conclude with the “Our Father.”
Two songs that I am enjoying these days:
Try this - it is delicious from Half-Baked Harvest. My friend shared it with me and I’m sharing it with you because friends share recipes.
Ginger Pineapple Chicken
Thank you for reading! Enjoy your summer!
Loved this!! Thank you.