The day after we put up our Christmas tree, I felt dissonance in my heart. I feigned holiday cheer and excitement with my children as we decorated the house. I tried to be reflective on this great and wondrous story. But no Christmas joy came. All I felt was a lonely hollow feeling.
Ashamed of my disposition in this supposedly bright and shiny season, I hid it for a week. Then one night after supper, I cornered my husband in the kitchen to divulge my hard heartedness in a post-supper-confessional-vomit while we washed dishes.
“I have something I need to say but I have been ashamed to say it. It might come as a surprise...I’m not excited about Christmas. I don’t feel the wonder. I don’t feel ready. I feel more hopeless than hopeful, I feel lonely instead of connected. I wish Jesus made more difference in my emotional world, that I was in touch with all the love and joy that I know is true about this story. And I also feel totally inadequate in my vocabulary to write about it this year.”
I unloaded all I had been holding inside and then let out the kind of sigh that only comes with repentance.
My good and sweet husband paused for a moment and then looked at me and gently said, “ Lisa – you say this every year.”
And I burst out laughing. We both did. We laughed because it is true. I do feel like this every year. How quickly we forget ourselves.
Every year I roll into Advent on fumes after all that the year has cost: the fall and school start up and thanksgiving and summer vacation before that and the end of school before that etc. In December I am more likely to snap at my kids or pick a fight with my husband. I am worn and grumpy, my nose is often out of joint with God at whatever has gone wrong coupled with weighty grief I have left unattended with all the other things and people that needed to be attended to.
On the first Sunday of Advent I take a moment to look inside and am surprised and, let’s be honest, ashamed at my lack of hope, peace, love, and joy. Shouldn’t the truth of Jesus make a bigger difference in my world? Why does my soul feel like dry cracked ground?
But why am I so surprised at what I find? The heart of the gospel is that God’s revelation of our need is both a mercy and merely a place to begin.
Advent is a spiritual exercise and all spiritual practices are practiced out of our need rather than our fullness. No one ever finds themselves on their knees in prayer or fasting because they are filled up and have no need for Jesus. We do not tear our clothes and sit in ashes when things are going well.
I want to believe if I was more disciplined perhaps I could arrive at Advent in a better state. But the truth of spiritual practices is that the more we engage in them the more we are aware of our weakness and our need for Jesus. Weakness is the way forward. You and I will always desperately need Jesus. There is no way around it. Spiritual disciplines serve to deepen our longing for Jesus’ return and to remember how he has taken care of us thus far. Why would Advent be any different?
As the weeks of Advent have continued I have found myself struck by the prophetic words of Mary’s song:
He has filled the hungry with good things.
God does not send those in need away hungry. Hope, peace, joy, and love are not feelings we drum up inside ourselves every December but the concrete reality of the Incarnate Christ with flesh and blood, sinew and bone. The virtues of Advent are gifts to be received, gifts our Father bids us ask for because we are in need. The gift of Jesus is ours again and again, never ending and overflowing in abundance.
The real reason I am surprised by my lack of hope, peace, joy and love at the beginning of Advent is because I expect to begin Advent the way I finished it last year. By Christmas Eve, once I have entered into the story and events of his arrival, listened to the words of the prophets, Mary and Elizabeth, Zechariah, the angels, the kings and the shepherds - Jesus has always opened my heart and met me. Without fail, Jesus has welcomed me at his manger to behold his glory. It has looked differently every year but He has always been faithful.
There is one week left and if I can encourage you in anything it is to see your lack as a starting place to move towards Jesus. Read the old words of this story, pray desperate prayers, listen to the songs of Mary, Zechariah, and the angels and encounter the beautiful Christ - lowly and humble. He calls you to come and bask in the light of glory and be filled.
Somethings I thought you might enjoy:
Here are some of our favorite Christmas baking recipes:
Nanaimo Bars (straight from the city’s website)
Laura Bush's Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk Cookies (this is not a political statement, it’s just a really good cookie recipe: chocolate chunk and cherry oatmeal mmmm)
If you have a kid who is dyslexic or a friend with a kid who is dyslexic, this is my Christmas gift to you. I have found the Dyslexia Duo Podcast SO helpful. This podcast is helping me understand how my child’s brain works. I highly recommend listening to these two retired experts talk about neurodivergence.
This is the best Christmas song I know that is not on a Christmas album. In particular - I love these lines:
Like a stone on the surface of a still river
Driving the ripples on forever
Redemption rips through the surface of time
In the cry of a tiny babeThis poem always reminds me of the inbreaking light and glory of Jesus’ arrival juxtaposed against the reality of man.
God’s Grandeur
By Gerard Manley Hopkins
The world is charged with the grandeur of God.
It will flame out, like shining from shook foil;
It gathers to a greatness, like the ooze of oil
Crushed. Why do men then now not reck his rod?
Generations have trod, have trod, have trod;
And all is seared with trade; bleared, smeared with toil;
And wears man’s smudge and shares man’s smell: the soil
Is bare now, nor can foot feel, being shod.And for all this, nature is never spent;
There lives the dearest freshness deep down things;
And though the last lights off the black West went
Oh, morning, at the brown brink eastward, springs —
Because the Holy Ghost over the bent
World broods with warm breast and with ah! bright wings.
Have a wonderful Christmas and I will see you in the New Year. Thank you so much for reading my work. Your support means a great deal to me!
i love that cockburn song too :)